Psalms 43:3-5 O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles. Then will I go unto the altar of God, unto God my exceeding joy: yea, upon the harp will I praise thee, O God my God. Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
My first time spending the night in the jungle along the
Amazon River is forever burned into my memory.
I was 8 months pregnant with my third child and on an adventure of a
life time with my husband as we sought God’s perfect will for our lives as
missionaries. We had spent a few days in
the capital and now some friends took us on a 12 hour boat ride to a small
village where a church had been formed.
When we disembarked we climbed a steep bank towards a wooden house on
stilts. I was hot and sweating profusely,
but everyone else was too, so I fit right in.
I remember the face of the old man sitting by his house just watching us
come up from the river. I called out to
him, but he didn’t respond. He showed no
emotion, but I imagine in his head he was looking at my wild frizzy blonde
hair, big belly and stupid grin and wondered to himself, “What in the world is
this thing walking towards me?”
We sat around drinking some freshly squeezed lemonade and
cooled off before the family showed us to our sleeping spot for the night. I clearly remember running from a rooster
that was running after me and I scaled the steps into the one room wooden shack
where I was to hang my hammock for the evening.
I was tired, smelled and just wanted a bath. The lady of the house pointed towards the
river when I inquired about a shower.
So, fully clothed I went back down the bank and jumped in the Amazon
River, never wondering how I would get out being as big pregnant as I was. The harder I tried to pull myself up out of
the water, the more I was frightened that the piranha and Caymans were headed
in my direction. I was in tears by the
time Mark helped me out. I covered my
fear as best as I could and hurried back past the mean rooster and into the
shack to change. I had left my duffle
bag on the floor and as soon as I reached inside, a spider bigger than my hand
crawled on me. I screamed, hopping
around trying to get in my hammock, soaking wet and began to cry. Was this really what I was going to spend the
rest of my life doing I wondered?
In a few hours, I had calmed down, changed and walk over to
the small brick church where we were going to hold a service. The generator was cranked up and the lights
slowly came to life. Families began
arriving by canoe, one after another until the wooden benches were completely
packed. Old and young, toothless and
wrinkled, the people stared at me. I
smiled and waved but the stares didn’t change.
I must have looked so stupid in my long sundress and hiking boots. Everyone was in rags and flip flops. Church began and I watched everything going
on around me, and by everything, I mean the millions of bugs, bats and creepy
crawlies that began covering the floors and walls. The lights must have attracted every single
bug in a 10 mile radius. I had never seen
cockroaches the size of my foot and I spent the entire time brushing things
away from me, my feet, out of my hair and my dress. By the time we finished the service, I was a
nervous wreck so Mark led me over to the shack with a flashlight. Thankfully the rooster was off in the hen
house somewhere and didn’t bother me this time.
I didn’t take off my shoes when Mark shook out my hammock and helped me
get in for the night. He covered me with
a mosquito net and left to go talk with the men. And I was left swinging in the silence and
darkness all alone. And by darkness, I
mean dark. The kind of inky darkness you
can almost feel. The monkies chattered
in the distance, the low rumble of boat motors along the river traveled along
and men’s voices could be heard in the house, so I knew I wasn’t alone.
As I lay there in the dark replaying the day’s events in my mind,
I began weeping as I thanked God for His calling on our lives. The humility of the people I had seen coming
to church that night was incredible. It
was the first time I had witnessed something beyond our American style of
worship. I dreamed of what our work
would one day be like. I was calm and
about to sleep when I heard something move in the room. I clicked on my flashlight and it was the
worst thing I could have ever done.
Above me in the rafters were eyeballs.
I was paralyzed with fear.
Horrible thoughts of what the eyes belonged to raced through my
mind. Mark came in eventually and I
called for him to hurry over to me. He
shined his light up to the ceiling and all the bugs and spiders that had been
in the church were now perched above our hammocks. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep that night,
but here I am 17 years later writing about it, so obviously, I survived.
I have taken the majority of today’s post to recount that
story to you because I want you to have a sense of the fear that darkness can
bring. And also what type of fear light
can bring.
When we are in the dark about something in our lives, we can
begin losing hope and imagining all sorts of things that are contrary to God’s
Word. We wonder if God has left us, if
we are condemned and forgotten. All
those types of those are directly opposite of what God says!
Hebrews 13:5 Let your conversation be
without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he
hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no
condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh,
but after the Spirit.
The Psalmist in chapter 43 begs God to send out his
light. He must have been in a really
dark place. He wanted God to cast light
on the future so he could be led and guided in the right way. Just like I wanted Mark to shine that
flashlight on the ceiling and see what was moving around. But sometimes when the light comes, we will
find that what we see will make us even more afraid. There might be something there that God doesn’t
want us to see just yet. He wants us to
trust Him that He is there and He is the True Light and with Him is NO
darkness. He sees it all and can guide
us through. His presence should be all
we need.
1 John 1:5 This then is the message which we have
heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.
Isaiah 50:10 Who is among you that feareth the
LORD, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness,
and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the LORD, and stay upon his
God.
The Psalmist goes on to speak to himself encouraging
thoughts of God. He recognizes that he
is afraid and what he is afraid of, but acknowledges the fact that he can find
hope in God. We need to do that! When we are afraid of an unknown future or an
unknown outcome, we ought to find that hope in God. I John 4 tells us that perfect love casteth
out fear! Fear has torment! Who wants to live in torment? Not me!
We ought to just trust God Who is that Perfect Love! While I lay there in that hammock thinking
about the people who had come to church and how God had called us to be
missionaries, I wasn’t afraid. Those
spiders and bugs were all still right above my head. While my mind was on the Lord I was
calm. It was only when I let a noise
frighten me that I entered into torment.
And I wasted a whole night being afraid when I could have slept in peace.
Are you wasting some moments right now because you are
afraid? Ask God to send His light in
front of you and guide you, but trust in His presence, not what He shows
you. Trust in the I AM who is by your
side ALL the time. The One who never will leave you, never will forsake you and
has the power to overcome anything that is threatening your peace. Relax in Him.
I hope my life and all my fumbles will be a help to someone
today. There is no reason for us to live
in torment friends. We can trust Him!
Until next time, Lord willing,
Sheri
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